At 4:30am this morning I was awakened by the sounds of a little boy coughing and went into to comfort him. Jackson has been struggling with a cold these past few days and he needed his Mama to get back to sleep.
As I sat in that rocking chair rocking him holding him in my arms, I reflected on the significance of this particular day two years ago.
Many of you may know the struggle that Trip and I had on our journey to become parents.
However, November 15, 2008 became a turning point in that journey.
Earlier that month, following my surgery, it was revealed that I had Stage 3 (of 4) endometriosis. To counteract the endometriosis, I was scheduled to begin an aggressive drug to shut down my body. The point was to let my body rest before beginning the treatments leading to IVF. As I turned into the parking lot, I got a call from the doctor that the medicine was not on the shelf and I would have to wait until after the Thanksgiving holiday to begin treatment.
After I hung up the phone, I just sat there in the parking lot for a while. Then “I saw the Lord seated on His throne, high and exalted, the train of his robe filled the temple” and I heard him whisper to me [I] “will fight for you, you need only be still.” {Isaiah 6.1, Exodus 14.14}
Today, as I sat in that rocking chair holding my child, I realized that two years ago, God asked me to let go. He asked me to trust Him and believe Him.
In my first year as a mother, I have been under some incredible teaching and biblical counsel. Through this God has given me great reflection and the chance to share with people my story.
Looking back on that day in my car, the Lord not only asked me to let go, but he asked me to walk through every fear that had clouded my mind and, up until that moment, prevented me from trusting and believing Him.
My fears were once:
If I never conceive a child, I’ll be heartbroken.
If I never conceive a child, I’ll die, never having experienced "true" motherhood.
If I never conceive a child, I’ll be worthless.
If I never conceive a child, my husband will leave me for someone who can.
But that day those thoughts changed to:
If there's a delay in conception, THEN GOD.
If in vitro turns out to be the only option, THEN GOD.
If it takes longer than I planned, THEN GOD.
And most importantly...
If I am never able to conceive a child, THEN GOD.
The Lord did fight for me. And I came to the place where I was able to TRUST Him...even if His answer had been, "No. This is not my plan for you."
I pray that I never lose this lesson. I thank God each day for my son. When I look into Jackson's eyes, I hear the voice of the Lord saying, "I am who I say I am" and I respond...
"I BELIEVE."
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| 3 months |
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| 13 months |
